Breadcrumbs

I've told a few people that this process of leaving again, this time without the structure, or larger mass in which to subsume myself (student, researcher, business travel, or even a clean way to answer, "where are you from?"), has felt a bit jolting. As though I had been planning this trip for some abstract self, thinking all the while, "what a wonderful life this would be to live!" and then all of a sudden, I find that the only person who is set up to live it is me, and I've quit my job, and bought a plane ticket, and am driving in the middle of the night, coming up to Mt Shasta for sunrise. Really. I have to say to myself, "This is me, I am doing this. No one else will."
My mom tells me I'm living the dreams of so many people, to just pick up and off to France. No pressure or anything, right? Anyway, in a moment like this, it's nice to lay down some breadcrumbs so I can find my way back when I need to.

Now, I won't often do this, but here's an excerpt from my journal:

"Ah, to write about how I truly feel! O! but to have a homebase! Ay! and to make a life!... It feels like my life is on pause, and the deeply personal reasons for my adventures and endeavors are somewhat irrelevant to the beginning of me having a "real life," as in making a living, but I want the exercise of my life to be made of more. My life has not even really (or I suppose truly it has) begun and I am already feeling imminent demise in my first steps! Oh! Hush all! It is well that I do so long as I still land my foot heavy and braced for the burden of my whole self, future and all! To be sure! What time is it? Time enough!"

I was reminded of a poem that I quoted at the beginning of my last big journey by Brian Andreas, in his book "Traveling Light":

carries a lot of suitcases
but all of them are empty
because she's expecting to completely fill them
with life by the end of this trip

& then she'll come home
& sort everything out
& do it all again


And then I just thought I'd share this with y'all.